A few reflections after five years

In the presence of God, our family and our friends, I promise you my life and my love. As our journeys become one, I bring you all that I have, all of my hopes and all of my dreams, all of my strengths and all of my weaknesses. I vow to love you as Christ loves his church. I promise to stand by you always, to share with you in times of joy and triumph, and to support you in times of sorrow and pain. As we travel the roads of life together, I will do my best to lead us into a deeper union with God. Today, I give myself to you without hesitation. I give you all that I have, I give you all that I am, for as long as we both shall live.

Five years ago tomorrow, I made this covenant to Natalie. I keep a copy of it in my Bible and try to read it frequently. The reason is that I need to be reminded of the promise which I am daily trying to live into, the covenant that I must reaffirm each day.

As Christians we believe that marriage is a microcosm of discipleship, each day we recommit ourselves to walking the way of Jesus in the world. Despite what some might say, marriage is likely the most challenging and difficult of our baptismal callings. Our covenant to our spouses is a crucible of transformation that God uses to make us holy. More than any other relationship or set of relationships, marriage is the place where we learn to live the baptized life.

In marriage several worlds continually collide with one another. Both persons bring their own dreams and hopes about the future, the little stories that run through their minds about how things will be in life. Both bring their own preferences, their own plans, and their own ways of living. They step into the sanctuary with a great deal of independence, but in the sacrament of marriage that independence is freely sacrificed for the sake of the relationship as a whole. Also, as these worlds collide, something much deeper about us is revealed: our own brokenness, our weaknesses, our self-centeredness, our cynicism, and our failures. All of these things come crashing together in what would seem to be in the eyes of most people a recipe for the perfect storm.

But this is where the wisdom of God confounds our expectations!  In the midst of what could look like a perfect setup for disaster, God sees a locus for sanctification, a place to make us holy. Together we see some old dreams and hopes die, while other are transformed. Most importantly, we see new dreams, new plans, and new hopes emerge, just like God’s very good creation emerged out of a chaotic formless void (Gen 1:2). As we commit ourselves to God and to one another, the Spirit’s power for healing and potential for new creation break into our lives in a new and profound way.

Marriage is a place where we learn to live the cruciform life: life in the self-giving, self-emptying pattern of Jesus. Each day we are challenged again to live into Paul’s words to the Philippians: “In humility consider others as your superiors. Do not attend to your own interests but rather to the interests of others.” There is no easy escaping or avoiding this challenge as we constantly encounter our spouses through the ups and the downs of life together. Each of these moments is a mysterious gift of God that allows us to make the self-emptying story of Jesus our own, sacrificing ourselves for the sake of our spouses.

Marriage is also the best school of reconciliation. In marriage we learn to forgive and to receive forgiveness, both of which can be incredibly difficult. We learn to live in response to the gracious and undeserved forgiveness offered to us by our spouse and by God and give it to others in return. We also learn to forgive others when they damage or wound our husband or wife.  This is quite possibly the hardest type of forgiveness: forgiving those who hurt the ones we love. It is much more difficult than forgiving someone for hurting ourselves. But, as a people who are freely loved and freely forgiven, we learn to embody the same love and offer forgiveness to others, to live as reconciled and reconciling people.

In marriage we learn to practice hospitality.  Our world sends us the message that we need to protect and insulate ourselves from the dangers of the other.  We are constantly erecting barriers between ourselves and others, both literally and metaphorically.  As Christians, though, we believe that we model our lives after a God who has chosen to invite all people into his very life. In marriage we learn to open ourselves freely to our spouse, to dare to make ourselves vulnerable to another. This is a risky venture. Sometimes it will leave us wounded, others we will receive unexpected blessing; but, if we remain open to the work of the Spirit, it will always help us to grow and to welcome others as God welcomes them.

Most importantly, the bond and unity of marriage is a mirror and reflection of the triune God. This is the great mystery of two-become-one. Our life together as husband and wife is the closest thing on earth that will resemble the unity of the life of the three-in-one God. In the 8^th century, a Christian named John of Damascus described this inner life of God with the word perichoresis. It’s a word that refuses an exact meaning, but has to do with an intimate cleaving together, a permeating of one another or dwelling in each other. It is probably best imagined as a graceful dance between two lovers, moving and guiding one another, stepping together to become one unified whole. In marriage, we model this God-shaped life for the world: dancing together in the unity of love, looking not to our own interests but to the interests of the other, living as a reconciled and reconciling people, opening our lives with the hospitality of God to receive one another fully.

Today, as I think back on the last five years of life with Natalie, I celebrate the journey, the joy and triumph, the sorrow and pain, I revel in the grace of God for giving me this indescribable gift, I humbly cherish the moments in the crucible of transformation, and I recommit myself to live into the covenant we made to each other before God, our family, and our friends.

How sweet the yoke that joins two of the faithful in the same hope, the same law, the same service!  Both are brethren in the service of the same Lord. They are truly two in one and the same flesh. And where the flesh is one, the spirit is one. Together they pray...instructing, encouraging, and supporting each other in turn. They are equal in the Church of God, equal at God’s banquet, they share equally troubles, persecutions, and consolations. They hide nothing from each other, they never avoid each other’s company, they never cause each other pain. Christ rejoices to see such a couple and he gives them his peace. Where they are, there he is himself. – Tertullian, 2^nd – 3^rd C.